2 Junkers and a Wizard
by AlexBluebirdCantWrite
Summary: i decided to try Kayuri Igrimakeon Pax's "2 junkers are bad enough" fanfic challenge. Harry and Dudley are kidnapped by the Junkers, and the duo decide to keep him, for some unknown reason. T for bad language.
1. Chapter 1

haha my tf2 won't launch because my computer is a sad, sad piece of machinery. damn you steam. damn you *shakes fist*. well anyway, i'm a monster so i've abandoned my last fanfic and i'm starting another one kiddos :'). i found this pretty cool challenge by Kayuri Igrimakeon Pax, and i'm gonna do it. hopefully i wont abandon this one too- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It was an amazing day to be alive for 5-year-old Harry James Potter. It had been raining yesterday, and the miserable grey clouds had finally cleared away.

Harry hadn't left Privet Drive, or his cupboard, for a long, long time. And here he was, taking in the beautifully clear sky, jumping in puddles and having a great time, much to his aunt's dismay.

"Harry!" Petunia shrieked, while she tried to wipe a stray drop of water from her coat, "Stay out of the puddles!"

Harry ignored her, but he stopped after she slapped him to get her point across.

The rest of the trip to the park was filled with the violent protests of a certain Dudley Dursley. He was throwing a tantrum because he had to walk about 30 metres to the park.

Being a wet Thursday in the middle of February, the playground wasn't exactly the most popular haunt for gossiping mothers and their "normal" children, leaving Petunia feeling cheated and annoyed. She sighed and opened up the magazine she was keeping in her handbag. A good mother always came prepared.

"Go and play kids..." She muttered, already being distracted by how much of a bitch Stacy was being this week.

A vicious smirk spread upon Dudley's face as he imagined the horrible things that he was going to do to his cousin while they were unattended.

About twenty or so minutes later, Harry was lying face down in a puddle and crying. His cousin was cackling above him.

Dudley being the person he was, however, was easily distracted by the two figures he spotted on the horizon. "Look!" He gasped between giggles, "There's two freaks like you over there!"

Harry raised his head to get a better look at these two "freaks" as Dudley has so brilliantly put it. They kind of resembled Petunia and Vernon, in their own weird way.

One of them was about 6 ft tall, and had a scrawny build and crazed look in his eyes. He wore a pair of what Harry thought were called cargo shorts, and had a belt with what appeared to be tin cans strapped to it.

The other one, dwarfed his companion, at a height of about 7 ft. He was also larger than Vernon, which Harry had thought impossible until now. He was wearing an odd looking mask.

Harry giggled, because they were coming closer now, and they were scaring Dudley. Anyone who scared Dudley was okay in his book.

The shorter man threw something in his and Dudley's direction. In Harry's eyes, the sphere-shaped sparkling object was quite beautiful. Dudley's seemed to be of the opposite opinion.

Suddenly, Harry felt sluggish, and began to fall asleep. The odd gas rising from the sphere appeared to be doing the same to Dudley, so Harry gave in, and let the world go black.

"So, Roadie, what are we going to do with these two?" Junkrat exclaimed, while fiddling with what looked like the makings of a bomb. Roadhog sighed. "Jamie, we've been over this about-" Roadhog paused to count on his fingers, "12 times now. We've kidnapped them because they're the children of Grunning's director."

"Oooh-" Junkrat paused to look at the two unconscious children they'd left lying against a pile of boxes, "So, what was it again?" Roadhog let his head hit the table, and groaned- "I am not explaining this again, do what you want."

And so, Junkrat limped away from Roadhog to see if he could scare the kids. Very mature, I know. Jamison observed that one of them was much larger than the other, much like him and Roadie. The very thought caused him to giggle hysterically, which was followed by a long suffering sigh from the other room.

The smaller one woke up. He had large green eyes, messy black hair, and an odd-looking scar in the center of his forehead. He appeared to be about 3 years old. His eyes widened, seeing Junkrat up close, and promptly fluttered shut again. Hmm. He must have used a stronger formula than usual.

He got up from where he'd been crouching down to get a better look at them, and started to hobble out of the room. Only to stop dead in his tracks at the sound of crying. Which one was it? Junkrat spun around, and spotted that the larger one was in fact, wailing like a whale. This set Jamie off giggling again

The other child was kind of scary, Jamie observed. Build like a whale, greasy blonde hair, and a scrunched up face. Not the best looking child he'd ever seen. Probably six years old. He could've recognized him, and that might've been why he cried when the younger one didn't.

Junkrat stalked out of the room. It didn't matter. The walls of the small building they were staying in were soundproof, after all.

He paused at the soft sound of laughter that was spilling in from the other room. And of course, this was followed by an alarmed screech.

Jamie poked his head into the room to make sure they weren't dead (in fairness, kids could be doing anything when they're laughing).

The younger child was clutching what appeared to be a ball of fire, and was... playing with it..? The human whale had crawled over to the opposite corner and was screeching "Freak!" over and over like some kind of ritualistic chant.

'Maybe I'll keep the smaller one if it's parents don't pay up...' Junkrat thought, while biting his nails absentmindedly.

"RING! RING! RING!"

"So they've finally gave in." Roadhog muttered mostly to himself, picking up the ancient phone, "Who is this?"

"Vernon and Petunia Dursley! You know why we're calling, you, you-" The caller seemed to be mentally searching for the right word, "Freak! We want our Dudley back!"

Roadhog glanced back to the open door of the room that they were keeping the children in. Yes. Children. Definitely two of them. "What about your other child?"

"O-other child? No, no, we don't have another child, only Dudley. Only Dudley." They'd answered a bit too quickly for them to be telling the truth. Hmm. "Which one is yours?" Mako asked.

"Dudley is a growing boy, unlike the scrawny freak-" "Got it, pay up the $500, we'll leave him in the park where we found him." Roadhog promptly hung up, and put his head in his hands. "I'm a fucking criminal. I am not a social worker." He kept muttering this under his breath like a mantra as he marched into the other room to tell Junkrat.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey everyone, I know it's been 374 years, but I'm back with a new chapter- can't say I'll continue this any further but I'm definitely going to try uwu. Thank you for all of the kind reviews.**

 **Harry Potter sadly does not belong to me; however I must thank J.K. Rowling for being a living legend and creating the series.**

Although the rest of Privet Drive was scarily pristine and lacked any sign of living, the pavement was scarred with cracks and dents. It made Roadhog almost as uncomfortable as the identical white picket fences and multicoloured roses which sprung from the lawn of every garden without fail. They almost resembled fault lines- the horrible scrapes and scratches getting larger and larger with every step he took. He felt his permanent frown sag a bit lower. Number 1. Number 2. Number-

"WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE THERE? WE'VE BEEN WALKING FOR HOURS ALREADY-"

Roadhog sighed. It had been 20 minutes. Although he didn't condone child abuse, he was being tested as of late. Dudley Dursley was an absolute beach ball of a child, round, clothed in eye-wateringly bright colours, and prone to making loud, irritating noises at the slightest provocation.

Roadhog halted his stride, catching Dudley off guard.

"We're here." The Junker stated, without an ounce of emotion.

The younger Dursley decided that it would be best to stay silent for the foreseeable future.

The Australian walked to the burgundy door and pounded on it twice. It was silent. Silence was good. It soon swung open to reveal a short, stout man the colour of an overripe tomato. The elder beach ball grunted, grabbed his child and slammed the door again.

Roadhog snorted, shaking his head. That... was an experience. Hopefully one he'd never have to deal with again.

Jamie and Harry had become fast... friends? If that was the correct term- nevertheless, they'd bonded over their mutual love for fire, explosions, and other various categories of destruction. They were working on controlling the green-eyed boy's accidental magic. The height of their progress was changing the size of the fireball from small to slightly smaller.

This was making the young Potter quite frustrated. But Junkrat was still staying optimistic... in that odd manner of his.

"Progress is progress nonetheless! We managed to kill the bowling pin, and thats..." the Junker trailed off, "Something! That's something!"

Harry grinned, staying silent. Language development was something they could work on later- Junkrat had never been one for listening to other people talk- he could do just fine on his own. He stood up and went to retrieve another bowling pin to incinerate- then it struck him. He hadn't actually introduced himself to the kid. Hell, he didn't even know the kids name. Junkrat began to prepare a barrage of questions mentally, wondering how he'd get the kid to talk.

Good thing that Roadhog chose that moment to come back. The agonisingly loud sound of the door swinging open brought Jamie back to his senses.

"Dropped off the brat." Mako grunted.

Junkrat nodded in the taller man's general direction. Hmm... he didn't even have to ask the kids name, he could just give him a new one. He was probably too young to remember what his name was anyway.

Jamie began to pace up and down the sides of the room, trying to gather his thoughts. 'Uhh... the kid had black hair? Ravens? Ravens have black feathers? Maybe it could be something to do with fire? Firebird? Ahh... Firebug! That's it.'

"Hey, kid-"Harry turned his head at the sound of Jamison's voice "-your name is Firebug now, ok?"

Harry really didn't care; the flaming bowling pin was holding his attention more than Junkrat was. Firebug it is.

6 years later, 1991

BOOM!

The wall of the bank was blasted away, revealing the carnage occurring inside to the rest of the world. Fire ran up and down the carpeted floor, customers shrieked and ran for shelter- it was carnage. Perfect. Three figures were standing in front of the ATMs, glaring at passersby. One was tall and narrow, one was even taller and broad, and the 3rd figure... the 3rd figure was a child. They were drilling open each of the banking machines, and stealing the contents, of course.

"Hurry up!" sounded the impatient whine of a certain Jamison Fawkes.

Firebug giggled at this, earning a glare from Junkrat. Roadhog rolled his eyes, which went unnoticed by the pair, who had started bickering.

The taller Junker stuffed all of the money into the last of the bags, stuffed the bags into a duffel bag, and slung the duffel over his shoulder. There were police sirens sounding in the distance. It took them long enough. Roadhog grumbled and motioned to Harry. Harry grinned back at him, and promptly apparated them the fuck out of there.

 **Anyhow, that's it- sorry for the shorter chapter, my mind has gone blank.**


	3. Chapter 3

Firebug wheezed and spluttered on the floor of the Junkers' current hideout. He always had the breath knocked out of him after apparating. An unfortunate side effect to say the least. The duffel bag, explosives and Harry's fellow mischief makers were also sprawled on the hardwood floor. However, a notable difference between the boy and his carers was that he remained conscious while they did not.

Harry began the difficult task of hauling the heavy bag up the stairs, so it could be placed with the rest of the stash that the Junkers had been slowly accumulating over the last few months. They had ransacked buildings ranging from grand mansions to corner shops they had encountered during their crime spree. Looking at the wealth made Firebug's heart swell with pride and accomplishment. The giddy grin remained plastered to his face as he skipped down the stairs back to his... parents, if you will.

The two Junkers were still passed out on the floor. However- Roadhog's snoring did inspire the idea of him having woke at some point. Jamie twitched in his sleep, probably recalling his childhood. It was during this moment of tranquility that a spotted owl barreled through the open window, bashing it's head against the wall. It startled Junkrat and Roadhog awake- and began to squawk loudly, to the ire of all parties involved.

The owl eventually calmed down, relieving everyone, especially Roadhog, who feared that Jamie would attempt to silence the bird with lethal force. Animals were not as cruel as human beings- they did not deserve to die before their time. The avian monstrosity began to gesture at a letter which had been attached to it's talon.

"Well, that's one fancy way to deliver an arrest letter!" Junkrat exclaimed, diving at the poor animal and clawing for the letter.

"Jamie- that's not how it works." Roadhog appeared exasperated with the younger man's antics, as usual. "Now, hand it over."

The shorter of the duo groaned and complied, practically firing the letter at Mako, who then handed the letter to Harry without any explanation.

"Harry Potter, The Room With The Broken Window, 32 Orange Avenue, Queensland." Harry read aloud, flicking the corners of the letter with his fingers.

His attention soon shifted to the wax seal on the back of the letter- which he discarded quickly by firing it in Junkrat's general direction.

"Who the fuck is 'Albus Dumbledore'?" Harry droned absentmindedly while skimming through the letter, "Some genius has sent me an invitation to the special school."

"Language!" yelled the two older junkers in unison.

"Sorry... Anyway, the letter is requesting my attendance to a school in Scotland, which is already far-fetched enough considering the circumstances," Harry paused to squint at a particularly suspect line towards the end of the last page. "But then it gets even more curious- it's claiming to be a wizard school."

"Bullshit!" Jamie called from the corner of the room, where he was carefully wiring an explosive device.

"That was my initial reaction too- but look here- whoever wrote the letter knows that my room is the only one with a shattered window-" Firebug shifted his gaze around the small box room. "-so, that means that we either have a stalker, the next door neighbour is trying to get us to move to Scotland, or this is legit."

Junkrat's excited grin and Roadhog's seemingly emotionless stare were expected- the scowl of the

cloaked man at the door was not.

"Harry Potter," the unknown figure drawled, twirling what appeared to be a decorative stick in his left hand, "I'm here to talk to you and your... guardians... about Hogwarts, and your education in general."

"Wha-" Firebug was silenced by a venomous glare.

"Dumbledore, the headmaster, was concerned... to say the least when he saw that your Hogwarts letter referenced your room having a broken window." The pseudo-vampire paused to push his fingers to his brow, "We accessed your documents via the Ministry of Magic, and discovered that you have no documentation past age four."

An expression of horror slowly crept onto Harry's face as the implications of the man's words dawned on him. What if Jamie and Mako went to jail?

Snape didn't really know what he'd expected of the Boy-Who-Lived's dwellings. A castle, perhaps?

All that greeted his beady eyes was a battered two story house, which scorch marks scattered throughout the garden and on the walls. The door hung off of it's frame, and one of the second story windows had a spiderweb crack on its top-right pane. Well, it is Australia, after all. Severus could hear panicked screeching and a man chanting "Owl! Owl! Get it out Mako!" coming from the inside of the house.

He sighed and pressed his hand to his forehead. The inhabitants sounded like they ranked below average on the Intelligence Quotient, that's for sure.

Once the Half-Blood Prince entered the boxy front room, the Great Owl Brawl of 1991 had ended. The greasy-haired wizard felt cheated. That would've been a good story for the staff room, did he ever decide to engage in their nattering.

"-so, that means that we either have a stalker, the next door neighbour is trying to get us to move to Scotland, or this is legit." A short, skinny boy with a mop of unruly black hair stated, his nose buried in the letter he'd somehow wrestled from the owl.

Severus began his usual spiel on Hogwarts and the like, making a few edits here and there to account for the situation. He scanned over his small audience. An obese man with tattoos, a seemingly rabid or psychotic twig of a man, and... Potter.

The bird's nest of black hair obviously brought back memories of an unsavory kind- but otherwise, the boy didn't resemble his detestable father all that much, which was a relief, to say the least. He had Lily's eyes- but nothing else could really be discerned due to the thick layer of dust and soot which was everywhere except for two large round circles around his eyes, probably left unscathed thanks to goggles of some sort.

Snape pressed his hand to his brow and sighed.

"I promise not to report you to the police, please close your mouth, you look like a fish."

The trio seemed to brighten at that.

"Ok, so I get to see what it's like inside a pub?"

"Yes Potter. I'm afraid your companions can't come inside, however."

Harry didn't care. He'd see them again- he always did. On multiple occasions, they'd get split up, and would each have to fend for themselves for a while. This usually lasted a few months, and they'd run into each other again a week or two later.

Snape raised an eyebrow. "I expected more melodrama from you, Potter. Nevermind that- you have to get your school supplies, and to do that you need to go to Gringotts."

The trip to Gringotts passed with no major event, and the rest of the shopping trip was the same. Harry was a tad stingy with his Galleons- which annoyed the shopkeepers- but otherwise, all was well.

Until they entered the wand shop, that is. Both Snape and Harry were coming to the end of their patience- and choosing a wand was a lengthy process. Time and time again, Harry would pick up a wand, only to shatter a vase or something of equal significance. Ollivander just kept producing wand, after wand, after wand. Until Ollivander decided to try a wand he'd kept in the backroom for years... Voldemort's twin. He handed it to Harry, whose hands were twitching in anticipation. He held the wand and... another vase exploded. Snape wept quietly at the back of the wand shop.

Harry eventually came out with a 7 and 1/2 inch dogwood wand, with a core of White River Monster spine, which he was satisfied with. Ollivander had not made the wand himself, he had instead been gifted it by a distant relative, who was dubious of the wands origins. When Snape expressed concern about this, Firebug insisted it made the wand "more cooler".

Severus apparated Harry back to Queensland, and the Junker passed out on the floor.

September 1st was gonna be wicked.


End file.
